


Should I Give Up? (Don't Want to Be an Idol)

by watrouswaltz



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Gaslighting, Hopefully not canon, Hurt/Comfort, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, a lot of crying, canon... but not, chenle is sad, chenle needs more than a hug, entirely fictitious, everyone is sad, if you're uncomfortable with the subject PLEASE do not read!!, this is really sad im sorry, very sensitive subject
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27784423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watrouswaltz/pseuds/watrouswaltz
Summary: Did they really not know? That was… impossible, right?His eyebrows furrowed, and he spoke only slightly above a whisper, “What do you mean? I- You really don’t know? The- the private… meetings… you know… with Mr. Han?”
Relationships: Zhong Chen Le/Everyone
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	Should I Give Up? (Don't Want to Be an Idol)

Chenle was teary-eyed as he knocked on the door of his hyungs’ dorm, working up the courage to break the news he had been wanting to for so long. The heavy rain he had traveled here in had left his thin clothes soaked through, effectively leaving him shaking like a leaf, but he hoped it would at least do the favor of disguising his glassy eyes.

He heard playful laughter behind the door and what sounded like an object being thrown, and then the door opened to reveal Jaehyun, with Mark standing a few feet to the side. The older boys looked perplexed as to why Chenle would be standing at the door, drenched and shaking.

Mark spoke first, “Chenle? What are you doing here? It’s pouring outside, and you’re wearing thin clothes. Hurry, come inside. Are the other boys not looking out for you? What’s going on?”

Chenle guiltily looked at the floor, letting Jaehyun gently push him inside the threshold. As Mark came and put a blanket around his shoulders, he looked up at Jaehyun.

He opened his mouth, and tried to steady his voice as he said, “Hyung, I came here to tell Taeyong hyung something. Do you know where he is?”

Jaehyun raised his eyebrow in question, “Uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure he’s in Doyoung’s room with a few of the others. Is something-”

Chenle muttered a thank you, quickly walking past Jaehyun and Mark, missing the startled expression the two gave him, and made his way in the direction of Doyoung’s room. Once again, he knocked, and upon hearing a “come in!” from somebody inside the room, he nervously pushed open the door.

He was met with a view that made his heart pang in anxiousness. Doyoung, Taeyong, and Haechan were strewn across one of the beds in the room, their limbs tangled with each other’s and bright expressions on each of their faces, hinting that they were having fun.

Upon seeing the crestfallen expression on the youngest boy’s face, though, they all began to look worried. Taeyong sat up from the dog pile, looking at him with one of the softest, most concerned gazes the boy had ever seen, almost as if he could sense all of Chenle’s worries just by looking at him.

And that seemed to be the breaking point for Chenle, as he promptly burst into tears.

He stood awkwardly in the doorway, tears falling incomprehensibly fast, his body shaking as the blanket that was previously around him dropped to the ground, watching as his hyungs scrambled to get to him and coddle him.

It was… slightly overwhelming, to say the least.

He wanted to get it over with and tell them, but he also never wanted their cuddling to end. Chenle knew that once he broke the news to them, they would be extremely disappointed in him and wouldn’t even want to go as far as talking to him anymore.

Disappointed in him for not being strong like them, for not being able to push through what was happening. Yet, Chenle would never be able to understand how his hyungs were able to be so strong, never even speaking a word about the events the young boy knew they all had to go through.

And that was why he had to do this.

Chenle didn’t deserve to be a celebrity, to be put in the spotlight and loved by so many if he couldn’t even endure what he had been repeatedly told was necessary to become a good, obedient, well-liked idol.

His breathing began to pick up, and Taeyong, taking notice of this, gently took the boy’s face into his hands, beckoning Chenle to look at him.

“Hey, sweetheart, do you wanna tell hyung what’s happened? How about we sit down, hm?”

Chenle took the biggest breath he could and looked up at Taeyong.

“Hyung, I-I really need to tell you- I need to tell you something. Please- I just- I need to get it off my chest.”

Taeyong nodded at him, “Okay, yeah, that’s fine, sweetheart. Do you wanna stay in here or go out in the living room? And who do you want there?”

Chenle didn’t even have to think twice about it, he already had this planned out.

“Living room, please, and you guys. Do you think we could invite Kun-ge over? If not, that’s okay, I just--“

Doyoung interrupted him, “Yes, that’s okay, I’ll call him right now”, and stepped away with his phone already in his hand.

Haechan gently grabbed Chenle’s hand, coaxing him out of the bedroom and into the living room, where Mark and Jaehyun had seemingly disappeared from. He sat down on the couch across from the other boy, watching as Taeyong headed into the kitchen.

No more than three minutes had passed when Chenle heard a rushed knock at the door.

Doyoung finally came out from the bedroom, walking to the door and greeting Kun with a hushed voice.

Kun walked over to Chenle, in a way similar to which you would approach an injured animal.

Chenle was staring up at Kun with big, glassy eyes, lightly patting the empty space next to him, hoping that the elder would notice.

Of course, he did, and he gently sat down next to the boy, “Hi, baby. What’s going on?”

Chenle just shook his head, staring down at the floor, as he slowly moved to be closer to Kun, inching into the elder’s lap.

Taeyong came into the living room just then, setting a cup of tea in front of Chenle, and sitting in between Haechan and Doyoung.

“Alright, Lele, what is it that you wanted to tell us?”

He took a deep breath, and readied himself for the worst,

“I want to terminate my contract.”

He heard the gasps from the members around the room, trying and failing to not let the way Kun sounded like he was choking and what sounded like a choked cry coming from Haechan affect him.

Taeyong shakily stood up from his spot and slowly came to kneel in front of Chenle, gently lifting his face so that their gazes caught each other’s. The younger boy saw his leader’s confused and pained expression, his furrowed eyebrows, and the tears he was desperately trying to keep from rolling down his cheeks.

He choked out, “Baby, Chenle, why? Why would you want to do that?”

Chenle felt himself tearing up again, “Because, hyung, I’m- I don’t deserve to be an idol. I’m sorry, but you guys- you guys are so much stronger than I am. You never- never complain about the t-touching and- and I can’t—”, he gasped for breath, “I can’t stand it! I can’t- I can’t do it anymore, hyung, I’m sorry.”

The look on everybody’s’ faces had now transformed into deep confusion, as they went from being sorrowful to disoriented at the boy’s words.

Kun leaned to the side so that he could see the younger’s face, “Chenle, do you mind explaining what you just said? Try not to be scared, love, we’re all here for you and none of us are going to judge you, okay? We would just like to know why you’re making this decision.”

He took a deep breath, wondering to himself whether they were trying to tease him or not.

_Because surely, they must know what he’s talking about._

_Right?_

He spoke quickly and quietly, almost too fast for anyone to process, “It’s- I’m just not strong enough, I guess. At first, I really thought that I could do it—And I tried! I really did, I promise! But then… it got worse… and I just, I’ve been having really bad dreams and thoughts lately—sorry, that doesn’t m-matter… I just… I think I would be better off not being an idol. Maybe, someone- someone stronger than me can take my place. Someone who understands that it’s for- for their benefit.”

And if he thought that was going to erase their confusion about the situation, he was wrong. Because after he stopped talking, they only looked more bewildered. Doyoung took a deep breath and closed his eyes, looking like he was trying to process everything Chenle had just said.

Suddenly, his eyes flew open. 

“Wait, what? You said you’re having… bad dreams? What do you mean? Is there something specific causing you to have those?”

Chenle dropped his head into his hands, now sure that they were just trying to make fun of him.

“Please stop. I- I know you know what I’m talking about. I’m sorry for being so weak, but please at least just admit that you understand, and then I’ll- I’ll l-leave.”

Taeyong spoke this time, his wide eyes still full of unshed tears, “Sweetheart, we really don’t know what you’re talking about. If we knew, we wouldn’t be so confused. We just want to understand what’s upsetting you so that we can properly respond, hmm?”

Now it was Chenle’s turn to be confused. _Did they really not know? That was… impossible, right?_

His eyebrows furrowed, and he spoke only slightly above a whisper, “What do you mean? I- You really don’t know? The- the private… meetings… you know… with Mr. Han?”

“Lele, who is—”

Haechan interrupted with a fierce gaze, “Mr. Han? Why would you have private meetings with that man?”

Taeyong looked between the two, “What? Who is Mr. Han?”

“He’s one of our choreographers. He’s weird. He’s always looking at us strangely, none of us like him.”

Chenle startled at the choice language Haechan spoke with, wondering why he would even dare to disrespect him like that, for he had to know what the consequences would be if the man found out.

Doyoung finally got up from the couch he was on and sat next to Haechan, looking him in the eyes.

“Okay, so why have you been having private meetings with him, hm? Has he been rude to you? Is he critiquing you too harshly? Taking up too much of your free time? You don’t need to be embarrassed, honey, you can tell us. We won’t judge you; we’ll always be here for you.”

It was getting to the point where the boy felt like they genuinely didn’t know what he was talking about, and that confused him.

“You guys… you guys don’t have meetings with him? The… the meetings for self-betterment? The ones with the touching, that make you a good… o-obedient idol? I- I thought—doesn’t every idol have to do it? You know, please their- their higher-ups so that- so that they can become lovable? I…?”

He slowly looked up, watching as the faces in front of him went from disoriented to horrified in a matter of seconds, and the room became so silent you couldn’t even hear their breathing.

Kun choked, sounding as if he couldn’t properly breathe, “You- he- what? The… t-touching? Chenle, what are you talking about? Touching _where?!_ ” He finished sounding urgent, desperate to know what the younger meant.

Chenle was tearing up, fearful all of a sudden, unexpectedly feeling as though he had just admitted to something that was a lot more serious than he initially thought.

“He- my--“, He choked on a sob, trying to will away the tears running down his face, “my- my body, and- and you know, down… _there._ ” He made a vague gesture with his hands, hoping they understood what he was trying to say.

Suddenly, Taeyong started sobbing. Chenle startled, mainly because it was something he had never seen before. Yes, the man had cried before, but never like this. He didn’t understand why they were making such a big fuss over what he had said, because he had always been told by Mr. Han that it was completely normal.

Haechan looked shell-shocked, “C-Chenle, you know what y-you’re implying, right? That he… That he—”

Kun finished for him, his voice sounding strained as he spoke in Mandarin, hopeful that Chenle was just using the wrong words to explain, “raped you. Do you understand that you’re implying that he raped you, baby?”

Chenle was quick to defend the gross man, “He- no, it’s- He said it- it needed to happen. I- It… No!”, his breathing once again became irregular, “No, hyungs, it’s not that! It’s not his- it’s my fault! I let it happen! Please- please—”

Doyoung and Taeyong suddenly stood up, frantically whispering to each other before the leader reached for his phone and walked out of the room, the younger man following closely behind.

Kun lightly put his arms around the shaking boy, pulling him into his chest.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, you’re safe with us. Nobody can get you here, let it all out. We’re here for you."

**Author's Note:**

> ouch,, I know
> 
> This should end up being either 2 or 3 chapters !!
> 
> I'm already working on chapter 2, so it should be out soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading, feel free to yell at me on twt lol: twitter.com/dalhyuck


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